Mindy Reflection #42

October 26, 2016

 

When my mother died many years ago, I desperately wanted to find a way to connect with her. I wrote her notes in a journal and pretended she was using my hand to write back to me. I doubted that I was making any real contact but I didn’t know what else to do. I was desperate enough to try dialoging with the dead. I raged at her and longed for her. Grief can be very messy. One day, after a particularly long rant, I changed ink pens so my mother could respond. The first words she wrote were, “finally you give me the pen”. I laughed out loud. It was so funny. It was absolutely something she might have said to me when she was exhausted by my mindyness. It felt real, new, and truly her voice without my prompting. Another time, I wrote to her about feeling guilty for sharing my darker unresolved mother feelings with a friend. Her response was “Maybe I helped you to share. Maybe I want you to stop keeping my secrets locked inside you. You only use them to hurt and destroy your beautiful soul. Do what you need to do to heal your scars. My scars are gone. We can’t share scars and loss anymore, so you are alone in that. I am not there. Come where I am. Come to the light.” For almost a year we wrote together. At times I doubted it was real, but I kept writing. Recently, I looked at that old journal, and I started to cry. It was so much more powerful and spirit connected than I had allowed myself to believe at the time. Today I know my mother was there with me, writing with me, and helping me crawl out of the darkness. It feels right that my sweet mother would be the one to help me to connect more deeply to the other side. I’m writing this post with her now. Sorry it’s so long but my mother is very wordy. One of her final posts to me is worth sharing with you. I was in a very dark hopeless place, I handed her the pen and this was her response “Mindy, I know, see, feel, and hear you. There is a new path and new learning, and joy waiting. In fact, you will be amazed at your transformation. Future Mindy will be unrecognizable to you. You will weep in humility and awe saying I did not know I was this. You are more powerful than you know. More beautiful than you know. Maybe when you come out and stand in your own light and power you will not feel sad, lost, and alone. You may feel wise, blessed, guided, and connected to god, spirit, and me always.” At the time, I didn’t believe her. I thought she was just blowing celestial smoke up my ass, but her words eventually did come true. Thank you Mom! Future Mindy is here now, and I’m standing in the light.

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