Mindy Reflection #57

December 7, 2016

 

One of the symptoms of “middle child syndrome” was the belief that I was invisible. My remedy was to enact insane dramatic incidents that would place me center stage. Once I had gotten everyone’s attention, I would revert to my former invisible self. The insatiable need to be seen and then not seen would create a patterned behavior of polarity. The emotional middle always eluded me. I’ve always been fascinated by magnets. They mirrored perfectly my emotional state which influenced my behavior. In an instant magnets attach or repel. You are in, or you are out. There is no middle ground. I love to watch the dance of magnets, but I aspire to have a wider range. What at first seemed magnetically magical eventually turned into the predictable response of a magnet. Similar to the magnet, but not as fascinating, your average light switch turns on and off. Simple, functional and predictable. A patterned response with two options, but add a dimmer switch and the possibilities are endless. So in my desire to have a wider emotional range than a magnet or a light switch, I have to continually try to embrace the space in-between. When tempted to overreact to a situation, I step into the middle of my extremes and force myself to find another option. What might have felt devastating a moment ago becomes mildly devastating. A moment later, that mild devastation becomes a mild disappointment that requires no big response or action on my part. Once I move out of my extremes, I find a whole catalogue of emotions waiting to be explored. When in the state of “middle-being” I suffer less, enjoy life more, and am able to connect more deeply to you and the world around me. When I stopped turning my emotional light switch on and off, I found I was able to be present for a longer period of time than my extremes ever allowed. Today I embrace all the treasures hidden in the in-between.

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